Issue one: Contents

Peaches Christ
Buck Angel
How to be a successful stalker
Hayley Cropper
Lauren Harries
Five documentaries you should own
Strut your tranny stuff in London
How to look like Pete Burns

About the author

Pete Burns has had his share of problems recently, but he'll always have a place in my heart. HIs appearance on Celebrity Big Brother was my TV highlight of the year, and I mean - just look at him

Responses to his looks have varied, Times writer Hugo Rifkind was moved to describe him as "the sole reason why straight schoolboys in the 80s were scared of gays." My mate Jelly, on the other hand, sees him as "a very beautiful fish."

So, you may be thinking, how do I go about achieving a Burns look of my own? Got about 15 grand to spare? Good, then off we go...

Lips
Arguably not his finest feature, the lips will be the focal point of your new look. You can forget about collagen, collagen’s for pussies. Pete’s pout is permanent Alloderm implants. Alloderm, Pete claims, is the foreskins of new born babies. Sh'yeah, right - it’s actually made from deceased skin tissue donated to a skin bank. Nasty enough, in my opinion.

If you’re too squeamish for the surgery, make-up experts say you can achieve a similar look by placing damp cotton wool along your gum line to raise the lip.

Cheeks
Pete’s cheek bones would put even Cher to shame and give his face an almost cartoon-like quality. To achieve the same you’ll need a couple of silicon cheek implants

On a budget, it’s possible you could achieve the same effect with a couple of strategically placed boiled sweets.

Make up
Off with the eyebrows, you don’t need them. What you do need is a heavy foundation. If you’re a stubbly boy with a dark chin shadow, use Dermacolor from a theatrical supplier to ensure smooth coverage.For the eyes you’ll want an opaque shadow and a fine black liner.

Draw your eyebrows back in with a pencil and then apply lipstick. Lots. There’s no such thing as too much – get slapping!

Clothes
Pete claims to dress exclusively in Vivienne Westwood ('cept for the antique monkey coat). You could probably pick up some similar looking items at a charity shop.

Shoes
It's off to the tranny shop if you're blessed with ample trotters. Pete wears high heels AT ALL TIMES.

Almost there!
Your celebrity look is almost complete. All that's required is a selection of wigs, tattoos, a scouse accent and a withering glare.

Have fun!