Issue one: Contents

Peaches Christ
Buck Angel
How to be a successful stalker
Hayley Cropper
Lauren Harries
Five documentaries you should own
Strut your tranny stuff in London
How to look like Pete Burns

About the author

If there's one thing I consider myself to be an expert on, it's stalking. I don't mean the spooky kind where you go through someone's bins or hide outside their house taking pictures, but if you've got your eye on someone who's outside your social sphere and you lack the confidence to march up and be their friend, a little gentle stalking can be just the thing you need.

To be a successful stalker you will need patience, self control and resilience. Don't expect it to be an easy ride, stalking can be hard work and you will need to be dedicated, but if you are diligent and have your eye fixed firmly on the prize, it can be a rewarding pursuit.

Who to stalk
You don't go out looking for people to stalk - they come to you. It can happen at any time - a shopping trip, a night at the local bar … and then WHAM there's that someone you just HAVE to get to know.

If you're keen to stalk but no-one springs to mind yet, stop and take a moment to think. The chances are there's someone out there, you just need to relax and get in touch with your inner obsessive.

First encounters
The first encounter isn't as important as you think, it is a chance to establish a presence and make sure you are remembered next time. You should keep it short, upbeat and light hearted.

Some pointers:

Do:
Pay compliments
Have a sense of humour
Laugh at yourself

Don't:
Tell your life story
Relate an anecdote involving your stalkee
Burst into tears and cling hold of their sleeve.

Subsequent encounters should also be brief, ask questions but do not pry. Show an interest in your stalkee and gradually reveal greater knowledge of their work. This you will have gleaned by performing internet searches on every variable of their name and every project they have been involved in. By releasing your research slowly you will impress your stalkee, but be careful - you can spook them with too much too soon. If you accidentally let it slip that you picked up a random fact from an obscure web edition of the Mississippi Advertiser - be prepared to cover your tracks or change the subject.

Play by the rules
There is one GOLDEN RULE to successful stalking - never, ever smother your object. You must give them space, be enigmatic, play it cool. If you follow my advice and are good at your work, your stalkee will soon come to you. At this point you know you have won - but you should still proceed with caution.

Don't be a push over - you should tease your stalkee and stand up to them. If you act like a door mat they will get bored and leave you. The balance of power can be tenuous and you must allow them to retain control, but snatch it back occasionally to maintain interest.

Don't get too close - your stalkee is on a pedestal and you should respect the distance between you, never aim to become their familiar. Their purpose is to entertain and make you feel good. Think about it - do you Google your friends and archive their pictures? I think not. By getting too close to your stalkee you will break the spell and your romance will soon be over.

Don't get heavy - you can shower your stalkee with compliments and affection, but don't expect it to be returned. Say "I love you" then walk away - don't make them feel uncomfortable. When you stalk, your strength is submission. Your reward is your ability to give and the satisfaction is of having given. No-one wants a needy stalker.

Is stalking for you?
So now that you're armed with the facts, are you ready to take on the challenge? It's all in the thrill of the chase - plan your attack and be persistent. Remember - there's an ego out there that craves you.